Dearest Poor Eddie,
We've got good news. We're still in Norway, but making a lot of progress. First, your Dad has averted yet another ECMA apocalypse. Second, while in Oslo we both had the strongest sense that we were in the midst of a mystical convergence. Everywhere we looked we saw trolls and mystical objects (after all, they were so shiny).
Sure enough, guess who we ran into at the Viking Ship Museum. Olaf! You know, Anya's ex. He's out of captivity again. He has no idea how or why. We told him about your situation and he wants to help, having been a captive himself. He referred us to The Beagle Transmigration Codex. Our research with the Codex suggested an Orb of Thesula might come in handy. Olaf just happened to have one which he uses to bash things since he lost his mallet. We made a trade. We bought him many, many pints of ale (actually, Norwegian potato beer) and he gave us the orb.
The Codex prophesizes that the Tyrant Kidnapper will, on the third morn after St Vigeus night, place you back into the sacred beagle transmigration vehicle (your crate) in order to move you to yet another hell dimension, to evade our search. While the two of you are in the interstitial void between dimensions, we will use the orb to give him back his soul. The Codex prophesizes that the Tyrant Kidnapper will then fight for his redemption. Sadly, the Petter Torturer and the She Pup may be beyond redemption.
Unfortunately, the Codex is vague regarding how the Tyrant Kidnapper will seek redemption. But if he chooses, he should be able to navigate from the interstitial void back to your home, where potato chips await your happy return.
(back to Eddie and the Cruiser)